Autumn

Its yellowness, Its redness

The trees as if on fire

In these days cold and grey

Their warmth golden

Mellow, 

Like home.....

I wrote this back in October when I went to Lago Como for a day trip. Just found it in my notebook. Came back to me now somehow and makes a lot of sense too.

Purpose

"What is the purpose ?" is a question that I've heard a lot lately. It's mostly been connected to the chair we are supposed to be designing in school. I was struggling, to both get the professor on the same page as me and to get on the same page as him. At 4 in the morning walking back home from a club I felt compelled to ask myself this question. The funny thing is without the slightest confusion, hesitation, uncertainty or delay my answer was ready. A firm, believable point made without any loopholes.

For some time now I have been drifting. Stuck within myself, between the intense emotions I expressed before and the will required to actually put all of that into action. The lazy force is strong in me. Then again I detest its very presence. So imagine the kinda shit that goes on in my head.

In any case over the past few days a lot has been brought to my attention. Like how getting 188 out of 210 is not enough for me when I know I could have gotten more. Like realising that the sketching exam was shit and feeling bad that you couldn't do better. Understanding that relativity is a real concept when it comes to professors and students, so is selective comprehension. Not only that, also finding out that the one thing you were absolutely certain would happen soon but were very conflicted about is actually happening. And instead of turmoil or anger or resentment or despair or uncontrollable rage, there is this quiet calm of acceptance and some sadness. Add to that the events of tonight, the volume of experiences and information is just so large. And yet suddenly with that one question, "What is the purpose?", all the data was processed, the unnecessary information removed and the mind suddenly became clear. It was a weird experience. The realisation that I take on a lot of peoples crap simply because I am a good guy. The realisation that while I may never become a two faced self righteous douche (making life here much simpler), I don't need to take shit from people. The realisation that I am here for something completely other than what I have been doing. The realisation that enough is enough, that the gap between wanting and doing has been closed, that epiphanies can occur on the first day of vacation, that tomorrow is going to be a brand new day, and it is going to be fucking brilliant!

Trepidation

Coming here, to Milan, to study design was a dream. A distant one for quite some time. So far the experience has been phenomenal. I have designed what I wanted and I have an amazing bunch of talented people around me that I call friends. At the end of the first semester last Friday I came face to face with a part of me that I did not wish to meet again. At the end of architecture school I made a promise to myself that I would not be that person again. But for that one project I was, I became him again. And it has left me feeling, for lack of a better word, dirty. I am disappointed in myself to an extent that I did not think I was capable of. I do not like this person and do not like being him. To begin this new semester with this in my head is going to be tough.

On the bright side, March has brought with it so many delightful prospects. Yes, delightful because just thinking about them makes me smile with glee. There is of course, the Salone del Mobile, a bunch of competitions and our two design labs in school. One will be a chair (YES!!! a freaking chair!!!) and the other will be eyewear (Wohooo!!! I finally get to do my own aviators) The weather is beautiful and I feel a bounce in my step as if the energy around me is slowly seeping its way into my being. To be honest, there is so much to do it's a little overwhelming. And hence the trepidation. The uncertainty of the future scares me and excites me at the same time. The next few months may very well define what I do for the rest of my life. Knowing this and processing it is a daunting task, one that I yet feel inept at handling.

But I am here. I did not make it here just to be rattled at the first mountain I must climb. So as sure as the sun shall rise tomorrow (while I am still asleep... :P) I will forge through. I am scared, scared that being lazy, which I am so good at is no longer an option. I'm scared that floating on by is no longer what I want to do. I am scared that I am becoming a different person, someone I do not know but always hoped I would be.

The Spectre

He has shown his face,

Between fleeting moments

That flash of a smirk,

That glint in the eye

From the abyss he has emerged

Long thought forgotten

Rather hoped to be lost

Biding his time,

Creeping his way back up

Into being

Formless, Shapeless, like ether

Known only when manifest,

Returns back to his shadows

Once his part is played

Leaves despair in his wake,

The soul stricken

Awakens the primal urge,

To fight with shining light

I may be weak,

But I know who you are

I know I am you

Go back to your blackness,

Dark reflection of mine

You are not Welcome,

You are not welcome.

Things I learnt in Venice

- No matter how many times you see a place in the movies, actually going there changes everything.

- Masks are seductive and mysterious and addictive, Wanting every beautiful one you see is completely natural.

- Getting lost is just finding a different way

- My sense of direction is pretty solid.

- Dressing up is fun so are grand costume balls.

- It is not a crime to not take pictures of every little thing you see, if fact it is perfectly alright to not even take your camera out of its bag.

- The alleys of Venice are still just as dark as they were, no wonder it's such a romantic city. You can't describe it, but you can feel it in the air.

The Bridge of Sighs

- Red wine is good, but when infused with spices and served hot (Vin Brule) it is close to divine.

- The words "Hare Rama Hare Krishna" have incredible power.

- Wearing a mask ( losing your identity ?) is oddly liberating, even in a city where no one knows you.

- It is possible to have your breath taken away in rapid succession, you will not die of it.

- "Americans vacationing in Europe" - every stereotype is true and most annoying.

- If you declare you are from Jamaica, it turns women on and guys give you free booze.

- Indian food is everywhere, so are gujjus.

- Venice has literally not changed for the last 600 years, yes its true.

- Colour combinations you never dreamt of exist on the masks and costumes of Venice.

- Two people dancing can get completely lost in each other even if they are in the middle of a public square and to see that happen under the twinkling lights is intoxicating, mesmerising and leaves you in awe.

- The grand canal at 2 in the morning is a sight to behold.

- I felt queasy on the boat.

- It is perfectly possible to walk all day (more than 12 hours) without getting tired.

- Carnevale is Carnevale, words cannot describe it, one must be part of it.

- A massive sensory overload is to be expected, that you can absorb and process all of it is a rarity.

- Venice as an island is a world of its own, to truly experience it you must actually be in it, walk through its many enchantments and emerge on the other side, altered, changed and never to be the same again.

One Bite Home

The smallest things often evoke the strongest responses. A faint smell, a passing car, the first drop of rain or even an unexpected happenstance.

Cooking is part of the daily routine here. Be it the hurried sandwiches when I come home for lunch or the pastas and curry at night. the goal of Most of these attempts is not culinary magnificence, rather it is the simple function of not going hungry. I eat so I must cook.

Every once in a while though, things happen in the kitchen that catch you completely off guard. Tonight was one of those times. When I sat down to eat my Anda Curry and 4 chapattis, little did I know what was about to happen next.

The first bite took me home. It instantaneously transported me 8000 miles, from the table in Milan to the kitchen in Pune. I do not know how  it happened but the curry tasted exactly like my mom makes it. I wasn't trying to make it taste the same, but it did. I felt this surge of emotion that I can't quite explain. This welling tide just kept building up inside me. I kept shaking my head in disbelief through the entire meal muttering after every bite. Now as I write this down I still can't believe what has just happened. How did I do it ?!?!!

Moments that move your soul are few and far in this life. Today a bunch of spices boiled in water with eggs did exactly that.

Drowning

My eyes refuse my pleading,

Don't close please,

Without sight I am lost

The mind wanders

to lands far away

Aeons ago to

when I was none,

With the universe one.

Pitch black it is,

the night consumes me.

Its dark velvet

a soft embrace,

Somewhere in this darkness

it lies,

the desire to see her,

He that was once the king of hearts

Now finds solace in the dark,

No more running,

for the red moon I must face.

Shining brightly in my face

and in my mind's eye.

Hark! the snap back to now,

a falling head jerked back up

No red, no black, only grey.

No I plead to you oh little ones,

go not dark,

let me see

let me be.....

(P.S. - I wrote this poem half awake. I was drifting in and out of sleep in class and thought if I started writing, I'd be focused enough to stay awake. Did not work. I remember writing the first 5 lines. After that its all a blur. This is what came out in my semi conscious state.)