To think that I understand is a magnanimous assumption. Not only on my part of perception but also on my ability to even comprehend what it is that I am trying to understand. this uneven tumultuous flow is always unnerving and always exciting, at the same time! It links everything and everyone into this continuous chain of events and experiences which eventually becomes the root of all other experiences. To understand these roots is to back to the awareness of what they represent, not only in the mind but also as manifestations in the physical world. But then are these manifestations of thoughts or just projections of past memories ? For if all of life is a circle, these roots are then the string that links the past to the present, the present to the future and the future to the past even ?
And then there is me, standing in the middle of this giant all enveloping, fluid, continuously swirling mass of relative reality mortified, stupefied, dumbstruck, curious, amazed and completely in awe all at the same time.
If I think back now, my first striking memory of the journey here is " It smells like peaches." It was after the flight attendants on board the British Airways flight sprayed an Aerosol for disinfection into the air. We were advised to keep our eyes and mouth closed in case we feared allergic reaction. All I could think of was what it smelled like. Peaches. Hehehe. That I was on a plane, leaving home for London and then Milan was the farthest thing on my mind.
I remember being distinctly excited, to be flying out of the country. Don't exactly recall why. In any case at 37,000 feet, the outline of the coast of western India is pretty clear, and you know that you are definitely out. Gujarat was pretty obvious and then I saw a city that could have only been Karachi. You look down on Pakistan and it just looks so calm and ....for lack of a better word, peaceful. But then maybe at night every place in the world is.
Passing through Heathrow and its duty free in the morning I was once again reminded what spoilt for choice means. I was also informed that within Europe one is allowed to carry up to 10 litres of alcohol (for all those of you who did not know... ;) Landing in Milan, I braced myself for immigration and to my incredible confusion, there was no check. All they did was look at my passport. I still don't quite understand it. I mean one look at me at Heathrow invited a check for explosives, and here at Linate, a smile and a "Welcome to Italy." A friendly face on the other side was a relief, and one that knew how to get around, I thanked my lucky stars!!! Yes I am talking about you Ketaki... :)
The Duomo is an exquisite structure and the piazza around it is like something out of one's dream. The first time I saw it I got only a glimpse on my way to the hostel where I was supposed to live. That same evening however,I did return there, partly for work but mostly because I couldn't get that building out of my head.My first few days are sort of a blur. All I remember is running around and a lot of paperwork. But what I also remember is the overwhelming amount of Design in this city. Everywhere, in the tiniest of things, somebody thinks of what is good. It was overwhelming, and so promptly put out of the mind.
At the end of the first week, when I finally had time to breathe, I finally went inside the Duomo. As an architect, that scale is something you rarely experience in India. And by that I mean the scale of the space inside, more than that of the entire building. Once inside however, it's a whole other story. Paying no attention to the intricate carvings and statues on the outside of the church I entered only to be stopped dead in my tracks. At the first 15 meter high stained glass windows, I was overwhelmed. The sight of that window, the detailing in the centuries old glass work was too much. I think that I stopped processing at that time. I ambled about the cathedral but barely remember seeing anything else. I now know there are about twenty more windows with equally if not more intricate glass work. I think as was the case with the rest of Milan, I just could not absorb it. I think I'll have to go there at least a dozen times before I can fully see the structure let alone appreciate it. :)
Having friends here, especially ones that I can speak with freely in Marathi has been amazing. And calling up home whenever I want to is an added bonus. But making new friends, people from all around the world has been such an amazing experience. I can honestly say now that I have a friend on every continent and that to me is quite amazing!! I do miss home, especially now when it is Diwali time. I miss the lantern making, I miss the lights, I miss meeting family and friends but mostly I miss my grandmother. Ajji is that one shining beacon of joy in my life and just talking about missing her has now brought tears to my eyes. So I will talk to her. Tomorrow and the day after. Every time I call, every time I Skype.
It was walking back from a Diwali dinner hosted by a indian family here yesterday that I realised how much of who I am is tied to where I come from. How all those tiny things that we do make us Indian. And that not having those things here makes you realise how far away you are even if your family is just a phone call away.
The past two weeks here have been so rich and vivid with life and colour and experiences. As I start school I can only look forward to what lies ahead. The people here are fun and lively and caring and rude and pretentious just like everywhere else. And Milan is beautiful and bright and interesting and challenging and obnoxious and dark and well ......normal like every other city. I now call it home.
There are times in life when things happen that are beyond your control. When no matter how bad you want something to happen it doesn’t. When sometimes no matter what, all you get is disappointment. And every time things like this happen you ask yourself but one question "Why me ??"
Well let me ask back why not you ?? What is the difference between you and the thousands of other mortals that face disappointment each and every day ?? Why is it such a tragedy in your life that you could not get into a club on opening night when people who don’t get jobs to feed their families find the strength to move one ?? Why is it so difficult for us to instantly look at our situation and analyse it objectively ?? Why ?!?!?
EGO ?
Failure hurts ? Failure makes us feel inadequate ? Failure makes us feel alone ?? Failure makes us feel unworthy of love ?? Of success ?? Of happiness ?? But then is it failure ?? What is failure ?? Was it not just circumstance ?? Is there no strength in your soul to deal with these minor issues in life ??
Or does this happenstance change you ?? Does it light a fire within you ?? Does it ignite a desire to become someone that doesn’t fail, that is never disappointed, never inadequate and never unloved ?? Do your actions define who you are or does who you are define your actions ?? Is it petty and juvenile for such a trivial incident to make you want to change yourself or is it tiny, seemingly inconsequential events like these that have a larger part to play in the whole scheme of things ?? Do they trigger a chain reaction that forever changes everything ??
At the end of the day how do you decide to fill in that gaping void left inside you ??? How does one make up for losing a part of who they are ?? Are there really any answers to these questions ?? Do you really want to hear any of them ?? And after you do, will you be able to handle them ??
Whatever you do shall be returned to you. As a defining principle of my faith, karma is pretty powerful and equally scary. That it can be carried over just makes it more so.
I recently figured out that I think without any doubt, the most potent weapon used by Karma to balance the scales is love. It’s an instrument of torture unlike any other cause we inflict it on ourselves and suffer willingly.
A torturer may at some point take pity and show mercy, he may take a break from physical exhaustion or just might get plain bored of the whole exercise. But when one goes to work on himself, he is unmerciful, untiring and relentless. One believes that he is justified and at most times he is. For someone with a purpose, love is the most lethal combination, like a deranged surgeon with a scalpel that will never dull.
To feel love and not have it even acknowledged, let alone returned is sheer madness. It can trap you in your head and keep you there, always alert never to loose consciousness. It will show you glorious visions of peace and happiness, let them soak into you and then rip them out the next instant. It is a pain beyond comparison. It eats at you from the inside, chokes the very breath out of you and leaves you a hollow empty shell of who you once were. At the end, the cycle just starts over. The beauty of this method is that the victim rarely realises he is his own tormentor. Trapped in his own visions, he becomes oblivious to all the truth around him and locks himself within this dark chamber of horrors. He begins to believe that pain is who is, that suffering is his life.
Some escape their confinement, an achievement in itself. But that leaves a balance, to be repaid later in life with full interest that builds up exponentially. Once the debt of karma is paid however, the clouds suddenly part and sunshine pours in. You emerge from your prison bruised, battered and sometimes completely broken in every which way but alive and with full knowledge of the sum of all your experiences in the darkness. Fate and Destiny are beyond our control but they are neither cruel nor do they ever mean you harm. Karma on the other hand is kind of sneaky. For what it makes you do to yourself, it gives back a gift like none other – SELF DISCOVERY
Only when you put yourself through unimaginable hurt do you realise how much you can endure. And trust me, no one can inflict more pain on you than you yourself. You know all your weaknesses, in mind and body. Only you can pry into and scratch at those tiniest of cracks in a way that causes maximum pain, only you have the ability to break your spirit, to wound the soul.
For those that persevere and survive the ordeal, they are granted a clean slate, but above all - an iron will. A will forged in the heat of pain and suffering and tempered by the knowledge of self. The strength to take on all that comes and do right by your hearts desires.
Personally I believe that death is the greatest leveller. So everyone comes in and goes out free. In life Karma chooses the most appropriate punishment for all your transgressions. The common belief is if you steal, you will be stolen from, if you break you will be broken, if you are selfish people will be selfish with you, if you break someone’s heart your hear will be broken, If all you do is want you shall NEVER receive. While that may be true, every once in a while someone’s pile of offences becomes too high. That is when Karma waltzes in with the ultimate atonement for every sin – Love. With a few leisurely flicks of its broom, karma cleans out everything and gives you the chance to come out the other side a better person, provided you are willing to suffer the price.
I was recently part of a workshop on Digital Architecture. The focus of the session was experimentation with modelling tools, namely Rhino and result oriented code writing i.e. scripting to generate real world solutions for our visualisations. The design project for this workshop was a pavilion based in a hypothetical site of 100 sqm. This is my interpretation.
Human thought is mellow, sensuous and free flowing. The perception and processing of all environment and stimuli is similarly protean. Each line of thought can be defined as a pathway that the mind follows from its inception to its conclusion or transformation into another beginning. This constant interweaving can best be represented as a series of sinuous lines that overlap each other and extend infinitely in all dimensions. To project this continuous process into the built environment it has had to fit into the rectilinear geometry of existing structural design.
If the perception of space is directly related to how it is composed of physical and non-material elements, then by placing experiential boundaries which may be actual or not, spatial character and dynamics can be defined as a response to site and context.
This pavilion was an attempt to break free of conventional spatial stereotypes attached to experiencing structural interventions in public outdoor spaces.
The basic form was developed by defining two pathways – the physical and the visual.
The physical pathway was defined by the intended route of circulation through and around the structure. The visual pathway was defined by the inherent tendencies of visual perception. The base frame was a juxtaposition of these pathways within the constraints of the site. Using contemporary modelling tools, these pathways were amalgamated in to a single dynamic flowing surface that is a representation of the fluid nature of human perception.
To bring this expression from the virtual into the physical realm, experimentation was carried out on the surface with the concepts of parameterization and considering the planar rib as the primary design element. By introducing a directional grid of interlocking ribs to represent the surface, a third structural pathway was automated into the pavilion.
The end result is expected to be a material intervention that will activate the public space into which it will be placed.
The final model for the presentation was made of interlocking ribs laser cut out of 3mm thick transparent acrylic sheets.
