Alone ?

I am floating, 

Suspended

From strings tied,

To a place unknown

Enveloped by space,

Empty and alone

A world away,

From all I know,

From who I am

A mute spectator,

As my life back home

Rushes on by,

I am absent, 

Unnecessary ?

I feel out of place now,

A world away,

From all I know,

From who I was ?

Autumn

Its yellowness, Its redness

The trees as if on fire

In these days cold and grey

Their warmth golden

Mellow, 

Like home.....

I wrote this back in October when I went to Lago Como for a day trip. Just found it in my notebook. Came back to me now somehow and makes a lot of sense too.

Purpose

"What is the purpose ?" is a question that I've heard a lot lately. It's mostly been connected to the chair we are supposed to be designing in school. I was struggling, to both get the professor on the same page as me and to get on the same page as him. At 4 in the morning walking back home from a club I felt compelled to ask myself this question. The funny thing is without the slightest confusion, hesitation, uncertainty or delay my answer was ready. A firm, believable point made without any loopholes.

For some time now I have been drifting. Stuck within myself, between the intense emotions I expressed before and the will required to actually put all of that into action. The lazy force is strong in me. Then again I detest its very presence. So imagine the kinda shit that goes on in my head.

In any case over the past few days a lot has been brought to my attention. Like how getting 188 out of 210 is not enough for me when I know I could have gotten more. Like realising that the sketching exam was shit and feeling bad that you couldn't do better. Understanding that relativity is a real concept when it comes to professors and students, so is selective comprehension. Not only that, also finding out that the one thing you were absolutely certain would happen soon but were very conflicted about is actually happening. And instead of turmoil or anger or resentment or despair or uncontrollable rage, there is this quiet calm of acceptance and some sadness. Add to that the events of tonight, the volume of experiences and information is just so large. And yet suddenly with that one question, "What is the purpose?", all the data was processed, the unnecessary information removed and the mind suddenly became clear. It was a weird experience. The realisation that I take on a lot of peoples crap simply because I am a good guy. The realisation that while I may never become a two faced self righteous douche (making life here much simpler), I don't need to take shit from people. The realisation that I am here for something completely other than what I have been doing. The realisation that enough is enough, that the gap between wanting and doing has been closed, that epiphanies can occur on the first day of vacation, that tomorrow is going to be a brand new day, and it is going to be fucking brilliant!

Trepidation

Coming here, to Milan, to study design was a dream. A distant one for quite some time. So far the experience has been phenomenal. I have designed what I wanted and I have an amazing bunch of talented people around me that I call friends. At the end of the first semester last Friday I came face to face with a part of me that I did not wish to meet again. At the end of architecture school I made a promise to myself that I would not be that person again. But for that one project I was, I became him again. And it has left me feeling, for lack of a better word, dirty. I am disappointed in myself to an extent that I did not think I was capable of. I do not like this person and do not like being him. To begin this new semester with this in my head is going to be tough.

On the bright side, March has brought with it so many delightful prospects. Yes, delightful because just thinking about them makes me smile with glee. There is of course, the Salone del Mobile, a bunch of competitions and our two design labs in school. One will be a chair (YES!!! a freaking chair!!!) and the other will be eyewear (Wohooo!!! I finally get to do my own aviators) The weather is beautiful and I feel a bounce in my step as if the energy around me is slowly seeping its way into my being. To be honest, there is so much to do it's a little overwhelming. And hence the trepidation. The uncertainty of the future scares me and excites me at the same time. The next few months may very well define what I do for the rest of my life. Knowing this and processing it is a daunting task, one that I yet feel inept at handling.

But I am here. I did not make it here just to be rattled at the first mountain I must climb. So as sure as the sun shall rise tomorrow (while I am still asleep... :P) I will forge through. I am scared, scared that being lazy, which I am so good at is no longer an option. I'm scared that floating on by is no longer what I want to do. I am scared that I am becoming a different person, someone I do not know but always hoped I would be.

The Spectre

He has shown his face,

Between fleeting moments

That flash of a smirk,

That glint in the eye

From the abyss he has emerged

Long thought forgotten

Rather hoped to be lost

Biding his time,

Creeping his way back up

Into being

Formless, Shapeless, like ether

Known only when manifest,

Returns back to his shadows

Once his part is played

Leaves despair in his wake,

The soul stricken

Awakens the primal urge,

To fight with shining light

I may be weak,

But I know who you are

I know I am you

Go back to your blackness,

Dark reflection of mine

You are not Welcome,

You are not welcome.