Past Prime ?

For every twenty something, there comes a time for hard admissions, there comes a time when you need to admit to yourself that the late twenties means you might be past your prime, there comes a time when you understand that the “wild days” are over.

That time comes, grudgingly the day you hug a bucket. Don’t get me wrong, hugging a bucket is completely normal on a drunken night. Doing it about an hour before everyone else though, that is a sign of age. It is a sign that you now need people from a younger generation to take care of you, it is a sign that your legendary prowess at consumption of intoxicants is becoming exactly that…. A story.

It is that first of many unfortunate admissions of weakness in front of those that most look up to you.

Sometimes it comes across as pretentious…. You are the old guy trying to prove a point. In fact every old guy at a young people party is guilty of trying this at some point of time. However sometimes, as I think was in my case…..because I don’t quite remember now, there is a genuine miscalculation of quantities that leaves you out cold completely at 1:30 am. It is in this situation that you really realize how much your friendship means to those whom you are older than. When the same people that you share a laugh with but know secretly laugh at you sometimes take care of you, make sure that you are not “irreparably damaged” (read fall on your face and break your teeth) that is when you know that there are bonds you share with those people that are beyond the conventional relationship between senior and junior, student and teacher. That is when you know that you have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a bunch of friends, not just pupils.

On nights like these everyone in their late twenties realizes some weaknesses. On nights like these everyone in their late twenties realizes the strength of the connections they have made with the younger people in their lives.

 Thank you guys for taking care of me, thank you for looking up to me (kind of) in spite of myself...... :)

To the Girl with the Nose Ring....

When I woke up today eager to watch Superman, I had no idea that our paths were meant to cross. I had already gotten the tickets and was waiting for my friend to arrive when I saw you. Well actually I saw your friend with the red jacket before. You were kind of hidden behind her.

Have you ever felt like your heart is smiling?  There is this sudden feeling of warmth inside you that permeates through your being and ends with an outward smile. It’s the kind of smile that makes you look stupid to the people around you because they don’t know what’s just happened. Well, that happened to me today, when I saw you.

I wanted to come up and talk you, but I couldn’t. I know I should have, but you were with your friends and I think it’s always weird for girl if a guy she doesn’t know just walks up to her tries to start a conversation, right? Especially outside a movie theater! Or maybe I just chickened out. I hoped going into the theatre that you were watching the same movie and you were! So I thought I’d strike up a conversation in the break. Yet again, I only saw your friend come out. The movie ended and I thought I had lost my chance, but I found you again. You were sitting in the second row from the screen, right next to the exit. And I thought I would talk to you then. But what would I say?! How would I begin?! Should I have twirled my mustache?!?! Well my panic was rendered pointless because by the time I reached where you were you had disappeared again. I did try to rush out to catch where you were going, but alas, I could not find you again.

Moments like these happen few and far between, when a complete stranger leaves you feeling like the clouds have parted and the sun is shining through, like serendipity is not just a word or a movie but an experience, like your patience in matters of the heart might actually have borne fruit. Very rarely do see a complete stranger who instantly makes you feel like you could belong.

I hope this finds you, I hope the clouds part for me again….. :)

Sad Endings and New Beginnings ?

It's been three weeks since I got back to India and I now get the feeling that I have finally settled in. It's an uneasy feeling this, going back to the routine. The same job, the same places, a few new faces but overall the same old life. To think that four weeks back, I was strolling on the Palatine hill in Roma, amazed at the fact that I had a whole life behind me spent in one city in India. And now I was in Rome, and had been to Florence and Verona and Barcelona and Amsterdam and Venice and... Well you get the point. Speaking of which, Rome was insane. I mean as an architect, to go to that city and to see all those buildings, to see literally the books come to life is an indescribable experience. To walk into the Pantheon and to see that dome, only to find that Raphael is also buried there? How do you put that emotion into words ? Or to walk into St. Peters to see Michelangelo's Pieta and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and...... Well I think Rome in itself is a whole other entry, and for that matter so is Barcelona and Verona! And this describes my situation perfectly. I am living in India, but my mind and heart is still somewhere in Milan. Regularly talking with my friends there doesn't help either. Or knowing that all across the world there is always someone awake and thinking of you fondly. Just as you think of them. It has all lead to me feeling disconnected and sad and uneasy in the comforts of my own home and country. A magical place where I don't have to cook or clean or fold my clothes or most importantly, pay rent!

Since I have come back life hasn't been all rosy as I imagined either. I have a job, one that I enjoyed immensely but now it has become tedious and taxing. A year and a half has completely changed the workplace, but more so it has changed me. The people around me have changed too, some for the better, others for worse. There have been engagements and weddings. Some made me happy, others left me feeling sad and lonely and lost. Made me question all decisions I have made in life, including the one to come back home and face these situations that I knew were looming. Friends, close friends have moved away, emotionally as well as physically.

Then again, I have made new friends; old friends have become more important. In retrospect my life isn't as dull and depressing as I may have led myself to believe. I am at my creative best, sketchbooks are overflowing with ideas. A lot of work that has been swirling around in my head is finally coming out. There are opportunities everywhere waiting to be grabbed. On a personal level as well, there are things happening that I am keen to see till the end. And my friends all over the world make sure I'm never left out. The random facebook call, yes facebook call at 2 in the morning from Milan was proof exactly of that!! It made my night, and the next day as well.

All of these experiences have been a little short of overwhelming. So many things to consider and process at the same time.  And no, I'm not even considering the whole "you are the right age to get married" situation or the necessity to find financial stability. I never thought I would long for the day to escape to a harder life in a foreign country where I don't even know the language that well. But alas that time has come. I am in a confounded state of existence where one part of me is longing, dying to return to Europe, to a life that I have known and adapted to very well, insulated from this chaos, while the other steadfastly wants to live here, at home, addicted to the chaos that is life in India.