It's been three weeks since I got back
to India and I now get the feeling that I have finally settled in. It's an
uneasy feeling this, going back to the routine. The same job, the same places,
a few new faces but overall the same old life. To think that four weeks back, I
was strolling on the Palatine hill in Roma, amazed at the fact that I had a
whole life behind me spent in one city in India. And now I was in Rome, and had
been to Florence and Verona and Barcelona and Amsterdam and Venice and... Well
you get the point. Speaking of which, Rome was insane. I mean as an architect,
to go to that city and to see all those buildings, to see literally the books
come to life is an indescribable experience. To walk into the Pantheon and to
see that dome, only to find that Raphael is also buried there? How do you put
that emotion into words ? Or to walk into St. Peters to see Michelangelo's Pieta
and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and...... Well I think Rome in itself is
a whole other entry, and for that matter so is Barcelona and Verona! And this
describes my situation perfectly. I am living in India, but my mind and heart
is still somewhere in Milan. Regularly talking with my friends there doesn't
help either. Or knowing that all across the world there is always someone awake
and thinking of you fondly. Just as you think of them. It has all lead to me
feeling disconnected and sad and uneasy in the comforts of my own home and
country. A magical place where I don't have to cook or clean or fold my clothes
or most importantly, pay rent!
Since I have come back life hasn't been
all rosy as I imagined either. I have a job, one that I enjoyed immensely but
now it has become tedious and taxing. A year and a half has completely changed
the workplace, but more so it has changed me. The people around me have changed
too, some for the better, others for worse. There have been engagements and
weddings. Some made me happy, others left me feeling sad and lonely and lost. Made
me question all decisions I have made in life, including the one to come back
home and face these situations that I knew were looming. Friends, close friends
have moved away, emotionally as well as physically.
Then again, I have made new friends; old
friends have become more important. In retrospect my life isn't as dull and
depressing as I may have led myself to believe. I am at my creative best,
sketchbooks are overflowing with ideas. A lot of work that has been swirling
around in my head is finally coming out. There are opportunities everywhere
waiting to be grabbed. On a personal level as well, there are things happening
that I am keen to see till the end. And my friends all over the world make sure
I'm never left out. The random facebook call, yes facebook call at 2 in the
morning from Milan was proof exactly of that!! It made my night, and the next
day as well.
All of these experiences have been a
little short of overwhelming. So many things to consider and process at the
same time. And no, I'm not even
considering the whole "you are the right age to get married"
situation or the necessity to find financial stability. I never thought I would
long for the day to escape to a harder life in a foreign country where I don't
even know the language that well. But alas that time has come. I am in a
confounded state of existence where one part of me is longing, dying to return
to Europe, to a life that I have known and adapted to very well, insulated from
this chaos, while the other steadfastly wants to live here, at home, addicted
to the chaos that is life in India.
