Tumultuous Turmoil

It’s always an uncomfortable conversation when an ex tells you why things did not work out between you. Especially when she keeps saying how incapable you were of handling her moods and that with you she did not feel stable. This inspite of being labeled "soulmate" by that same person along with "the one person that I cannot live without" and the almighty "the one person who understands me in a way no one ever will." (These labels stand true to this day and their veracity has never been in doubt which makes this all the more confusing.) Now, weather to call her an "ex" in the conventional sense of the word is a completely different matter altogether.

What do you call a person who you have connected with on such a level that they have become part of who you are and vice versa?? And how do you listen to them talk about what was left wanting in your relationship with them when you catered to their every whim and fancy?? Maybe that’s the point after all. If you give a person everything they want and more they don’t give a shit. You become the proverbial dishrag which wipes everyone’s dirt clean leaving a fresh plate for the next meal. Or the bin into which everyone dumps their shit. Harsh metaphors it may seem, but that’s kinda how I feel about it right now.

In retrospect, does the fact that I knew this would happen and still decided to reinitiate contact make me deserve what I get?? Does my weak resolve to stay away from that person (or my hearts overwhelming need to be close to them, see it as you may ) make it that much more difficult and hard to deal with?? Why do we relish misery, why do we enjoy pain?? Why do I want to be treated the way i am?? I know I have a choice but why do I never make the right one??

So many questions, most of them rhetorical and yet in my head I simply refuse all of them. It’s a tricky thing this attachment I share. Shoots you up to the moon in a second and plunges you in the fiery pits of hell the next. And yet you willingly suffer through it all chasing that mirage of what you thought was (but it wasn’t) and what you think will be (but it wont). It’s a vicious cycle it is. Drops into your life and suddenly takes over, then crashes out just as abruptly. Leaves you trying to pick up the shattered pieces of what it broke - your soul.